Helping Kids Understand Divorce

By Angela Ardolino

Divorce can be one of the most stressful things a person can go through in life, and although oftentimes older kids have an easier time handling it, divorce can shake every family member up. According to a recent study, nearly 45% of marriages end in divorce, leaving quite a few kids confused and upset.

Regardless of the nature of your divorce, there are ways to help kids cope with the fact that mommy and daddy won’t be together anymore.

Tell the Truth About It

Often times this is difficult when the divorce is tumultuous, but it’s imperative to talk to your kids about it rather than let them draw their own conclusions. Dr. Hammond of Hammond Pscyhology says that kids need to be comforted and informed that even though the situation is sad or rough right now it will pass and no matter what you love them.

It may not be appropriate to share all of the details of the divorce with the kids, but having an honest talk with them will help them understand that the divorce is not their fault. They don’t need specific reasons why you are divorcing, especially when they are little, but keeping them informed will help them more easily navigate the scary terrain of divorce and will help them to feel comfortable enough ask questions they may have.

Address Changes That Will Result from Your Decision

Imagine that you are being told out of the blue that you will have to move away and see one of your parents far less. That would be pretty scary, right? So don’t do that to your kids. Divorce expert Ned Holstein advises that one of the best options is to tell your kids from the start that things may change. Explain in a way that doesn’t scare them that you may have to move, or that they may see one of the parents a little bit less but that it doesn’t mean they are any less loved or safe.

Make sure that when you are addressing the coming changes, you try to answer their questions as best as possible. It is okay to tell them if you don’t exactly know what will happen, but encourage them to remember that both parents will still be part of their life.

Break the News Together

For many families, co-parenting after divorce comes naturally. For others, not so much. But no matter which end of the spectrum you fall on, it can help kids understand more easily when they hear the news coming from both parents. Divorce expert Dr. Samantha Rodmansays that when your child feels caught in the middle, it can lead to disaster, so when you break the news show the kids that you are still both united in your commitment to parenting them.

Is is also important not to fight in front of the kids or talk negatively about the other parent to your child. In a lot of instances, things will just slip out, however it can lead the child to having more anxiety. If they hear you saying how horrible their father is, they won’t want to go see him as much which can damage their relationship. Conversely, if they hear daddy say how mean mommy is, they will go home feeling confused and angry. But, when you refrain from placing blame on each other and present a united front, your children will feel more secure and safe.

by Angela Ardolino for DaytimeTV 

Helicopter Parenting

It is a normal, natural part of parenting to want to shield your children from danger. But, sometimes shielding kids can quickly turn into hovering and before you know it, you have become a helicopter parent. What is a helicopter parent? An article by Arit John inTheAtlanticWire.com titled The New Puritan Parent describes them as people who let fear govern their parenting decisions, such as “that couple from the PTA meeting that gasped when you admitted to buying Lunchables for your kid – these moms and dads monitor everything their kids eat, watch and read.”

It seems harmless enough, but experts say that being a helicopter parent can actually cause more harm than good for your child. Not only will your child fail to take important and necessary steps toward independence, but it can lead them to have issues with anxiety and fear.

There is hope if you are a helicopter parent, however. Here are a few tips to help keep you out of “hovering” territory and lead you back to “helping” territory.

Consider Scheduling

According to Sara Bell, when parents get together, it seems like the ones who are considered the best parents are those who have their kids’ lives the most scheduled. As a result, I think some parents make decisions about what they let their kids do based on what other parents think. Yes, kids need sleep and regular meals and feeling like their lives are settled. Some routine is important and makes humans healthy and happy, but I think we as a society overdo it. Over-scheduling kids can leave them feeling anxious, worrying that they are not doing things exactly how they are supposed to.

Instead, let your kids pick what they want to do. When planning activities, hear them out if they say they want to do something a little bit more risky like football. There will always be risks for certain activities, but sometimes the risk is much lower than the reward your child will get if you are not hovering and worrying about trying to bubble wrap them.

All of this means: don’t let fear govern your child’s schedule, and don’t overschedule them just so that they will always be under your watchful eye. In some instances, kids can greatly benefit from free time with their friends.

Let Kids Learn on Their Own

Helicopter parenting is not in the best interest of kids. Kids who are always in a controlled environment may not learn to think on their feet or react in a creative way. Experts suggest that one of the best ways to remedy this is to let kids learn on their own. This isn’t to say that you should let them run wild in the street, but allowing them to do things like make their own lunch, choose their own outfits, and decide small things for themselves throughout the day can help.

A big problem of over-protective parenting that I see is it prevents kids from learning on their own. If we keep kids’ lives in this little box – if we pack their lunch for them every morning and they are always clean and have to go to bed at 7:30 every night – they may miss out on other things. It may limit their life experiences and inhibit their development of problem-solving skills. If they are never allowed to make a mistake, where’s the learning?

Get the Kids Outside

One reason we feel it is important for our kids to go to a summer camp is that it that allows them to push themselves through outdoor activities. So many children these days spend most of their time indoors, whether it is sitting in class, watching videos or playing computer games. Allowing kids to explore nature is a great way for them to learn about themselves and the world around them.

This is why it is so important for kids to spend time outdoors, starting at an early age. Kids need unstructured time to play, explore and create their own fun. They also need the opportunity to learn about the world around them under the guidance of trained outdoors professionals. At camp, kids challenge themselves through activities such as whitewater paddling, mountain biking and rock climbing, while at the same time learning a healthy respect for nature. Along the way they learn about themselves and their own abilities. They gain self-confidence as they learn to think on their feet and solve problems on their own and with other kids – without assistance from their parents.

Teaching Social Skills to your children

As parents, we all want our kids to behave. In a perfect world, kids would be good all the time and everywhere, but that’s a pretty tall order and doesn’t always happen. For most of us, if we have to pick between good behavior at home or good behavior in public, we’ll go for public every time.

When your children throw public temper tantrums or neglect to say please and thank you, they aren’t being their best selves. The good news is that you can help your kids shine in public by teaching them good manners much like you teach them to tie their shoes and make their beds.

Pre-Teaching Social Skills

According to Dr. Nekeshia Hammond, pre-teaching is the key! Just as we wouldn’t expect a child to immediately understand how to bake a cake after the first time we show them, we shouldn’t expect kids to understand manners if it is the very first time they are learning about them.

At a neutral time (everyone’s calm and no one’s in trouble) and before your child needs the skill, describe exactly what you want him to do. Young children learn best when lessons are brief, consistent and repeated often. Give step by step instructions. Think in basic, clear terms, such as, “When someone gives you something, you should look at the person, smile, and say thank you.”

Make instructions clear and concise. Add each step one at a time. Allow your child to practice the steps separately before practicing the skill as a whole. The best way to make the skill “stick” is to have your child practice often and in many different situations with lots of different people. You expect your child to practice soccer skills or math facts as they learn, so why would social skills be any different?

Focus on the Basics

When you first start teaching manners and social skills to your kids, you should focus on the basics. If your children can introduce themselves, say please and thank you, and follow instructions, they will already be ahead of the game. These skills are necessary for being a good friend, classmate, student or person in general. They form the foundation for all social interactions, and it’s crucial that kids learn these early in life.

According to Dr. Wendy Rice, it is important to have playdates and teach your child to socialize early on. This can be one of the most important times for kids to learn important social skills that they will use for the rest of their lives.

When telling your children how or why to do something, like saying please and thank you, remember to be brief; children have short attention spans. Be consistent; you may need to teach a skill multiple times. Repetition is crucial. Model the skills and behaviors you want your child to emulate. Your kids always are watching you! Make sure to provide lots of practice opportunities.  

After your child masters please and thank you, introductions and following instructions, you can move on to other important skills that will help him or her grow socially. Teach disagreeing appropriately, listening and respecting differences using the same method. Don’t forget that practice really does make perfect.

Some great books to help you teach good manners are Dude That’s Rude and The Golden Rule. These books teach kids in ways that they can relate to, how to be polite.

Praise Them for Learning

Last, but certainly never least, praise your kids enthusiastically and sincerely when they use their social skills. You cheer when they make a basket or get a base hit after much practice and hard work—in the same way, praising your kids when they use good social skills builds your relationship with them and betters the odds they’ll excel socially wherever they are. Be consistent and praise often, and you will be amazed by the changes in their behavior.

Remember, it’s your job as a parent to teach your kids good manners and social skills. Humans aren’t inherently born with these skills. It is up to you to ultimately raise well-rounded and respected adults. As long as you remember to break the skills down into simple behaviors and have them practice as much possible, your children will catch on quickly and others will enjoy being around them as much as you do.

For more tips on how to teach your kids social skills, visit TBParenting.com or check out our January issue. 

by Angela Ardolino of Tampa Bay Parenting, TBParenting.com