Helping Kids Understand Divorce

By Angela Ardolino

Divorce can be one of the most stressful things a person can go through in life, and although oftentimes older kids have an easier time handling it, divorce can shake every family member up. According to a recent study, nearly 45% of marriages end in divorce, leaving quite a few kids confused and upset.

Regardless of the nature of your divorce, there are ways to help kids cope with the fact that mommy and daddy won’t be together anymore.

Tell the Truth About It

Often times this is difficult when the divorce is tumultuous, but it’s imperative to talk to your kids about it rather than let them draw their own conclusions. Dr. Hammond of Hammond Pscyhology says that kids need to be comforted and informed that even though the situation is sad or rough right now it will pass and no matter what you love them.

It may not be appropriate to share all of the details of the divorce with the kids, but having an honest talk with them will help them understand that the divorce is not their fault. They don’t need specific reasons why you are divorcing, especially when they are little, but keeping them informed will help them more easily navigate the scary terrain of divorce and will help them to feel comfortable enough ask questions they may have.

Address Changes That Will Result from Your Decision

Imagine that you are being told out of the blue that you will have to move away and see one of your parents far less. That would be pretty scary, right? So don’t do that to your kids. Divorce expert Ned Holstein advises that one of the best options is to tell your kids from the start that things may change. Explain in a way that doesn’t scare them that you may have to move, or that they may see one of the parents a little bit less but that it doesn’t mean they are any less loved or safe.

Make sure that when you are addressing the coming changes, you try to answer their questions as best as possible. It is okay to tell them if you don’t exactly know what will happen, but encourage them to remember that both parents will still be part of their life.

Break the News Together

For many families, co-parenting after divorce comes naturally. For others, not so much. But no matter which end of the spectrum you fall on, it can help kids understand more easily when they hear the news coming from both parents. Divorce expert Dr. Samantha Rodmansays that when your child feels caught in the middle, it can lead to disaster, so when you break the news show the kids that you are still both united in your commitment to parenting them.

Is is also important not to fight in front of the kids or talk negatively about the other parent to your child. In a lot of instances, things will just slip out, however it can lead the child to having more anxiety. If they hear you saying how horrible their father is, they won’t want to go see him as much which can damage their relationship. Conversely, if they hear daddy say how mean mommy is, they will go home feeling confused and angry. But, when you refrain from placing blame on each other and present a united front, your children will feel more secure and safe.

by Angela Ardolino for DaytimeTV 

Talking to your kids about tragic events

It can be difficult to watch a news broadcast without hearing bad news, especially with recent events. Whether you are trying to stay informed on international matters or just trying to catch up on celebrity gossip, your kids are curious about what they are hearing on the news. Trying to explain the intricacies of war, natural disasters, or even a celebrity scandal can be increasingly difficult– especially if your child is younger.

So how can we make the news an educational experience for our kids, instead of something scarring and traumatic for life?

Before you explain it, think of how it is perceived 
The most important thing to remember when exposing your kids to the news, is that children perceive things much differently than an adult, according to KidsHealth.org. A news report about something like a school shooting or a bombing, for example, can make them fear that it will happen to them and it can cause severe anxiety. They also may be afraid of things as simple as a thunderstorm by watching the news– especially when newscasters use terms like “deadly” and “severe”.

Take a step back when viewing the news, and think of how your child might perceive it. Try to find news programs that do not use sensationalized, loud, or particular disturbing images. You might want to check out a news website and watch it alone at a later time, or watch short clips of reports to decide if that it a channel worth bringing into your living room. Sometimes, there is no way to sugar-coat or dull the news down, but trying to find the right TV news station that doesn’t make every single story completely terrifying can help. You can also encourage your kids to read the newspaper, which you can easily monitor before they see it.

Break it down into simpler terms and be proactive
It is important to keep your kids informed on what is going on with the news, but you should also try to explain it to them in terms that they can understand, according to KidsHealth.org. Ask your kids what they think about current events, how it makes them feel, and what they think the people involved should do.

Ask them what they can do to help as well. Sometimes, especially in a traumatic event or a natural disaster, it can be easy to feel powerless and small, which will cause your child to have more fear. By helping your child find some way to help, no matter how small, you are empowering them against fear. Be open to their questions as well and don’t be afraid to tell them your opinion of a news story.

It is also important to teach your child the context of a news story. Is this an isolated incident being reported? Something more regular? What are the chances that your child will ever encounter what they are discussing on the report? Your kids should be informed, but they should also learn to use the news as a reference point for the world around them. If they don’t understand a report’s context, they may think that tragedies happen every day to every person and that is not realistic.

Filter what types of media they consume
KidsHealth.org suggests that you watch TV news with your kids so that you can filter it, and then turn it off once you have seen the report. Discourage your kids from watching the same report over and over. If you want to follow a story, perhaps you would like to keep up with breaking news during a tragedy for example, consider downloading an app on your phone or visiting a news website so that your child is not constantly exposed to it.

The Anxiety and Depression Association of America suggests letting your child know that it is okay to be upset or even angry after a traumatic event in the news, but to field how much information your kids are taking in. You should also assure your kids that you will do everything you can to keep them and the rest of your family safe.

Another thing you can do to help your kids stay informed without staying afraid or confused, is to encourage them to consider their news sources as they grow older. KidsHealth.org suggests that you teach your kids to consider why something is newsworthy or why it is on the air. For example, was a segment on the air just to boost ratings, or is it something that will actually have an effect on their lives? When a teen or child understands the mission of the news, they can more accurately choose a good news source and can feel in control of what they are exposing themselves. This is a good thing for parents to consider as well– is the news source you are watching just trying to boost ratings, or are they trying to keep you informed and safe?

Beware of overplaying the news. Especially in matters of extreme tragedy, like a school shooting for example, we can be tempted as adults to be sucked into what is called the “24 hour news cycle”. When we watch these news stories over and over, it can instill fear in kids and cause them to become a little obsessed and afraid of the tragedy, making them think that it will happen to them.

It is true that knowledge is power, and the news can be a powerful and highly useful tool for teaching your kids about the world around them. With open communication, the right news sources, and a little monitoring, having a news informed child can be a great thing!

If your kids or teens want to find ways to get involved after local events or tragedies, visit The Children’s Board online.

Teaching Social Skills to your children

As parents, we all want our kids to behave. In a perfect world, kids would be good all the time and everywhere, but that’s a pretty tall order and doesn’t always happen. For most of us, if we have to pick between good behavior at home or good behavior in public, we’ll go for public every time.

When your children throw public temper tantrums or neglect to say please and thank you, they aren’t being their best selves. The good news is that you can help your kids shine in public by teaching them good manners much like you teach them to tie their shoes and make their beds.

Pre-Teaching Social Skills

According to Dr. Nekeshia Hammond, pre-teaching is the key! Just as we wouldn’t expect a child to immediately understand how to bake a cake after the first time we show them, we shouldn’t expect kids to understand manners if it is the very first time they are learning about them.

At a neutral time (everyone’s calm and no one’s in trouble) and before your child needs the skill, describe exactly what you want him to do. Young children learn best when lessons are brief, consistent and repeated often. Give step by step instructions. Think in basic, clear terms, such as, “When someone gives you something, you should look at the person, smile, and say thank you.”

Make instructions clear and concise. Add each step one at a time. Allow your child to practice the steps separately before practicing the skill as a whole. The best way to make the skill “stick” is to have your child practice often and in many different situations with lots of different people. You expect your child to practice soccer skills or math facts as they learn, so why would social skills be any different?

Focus on the Basics

When you first start teaching manners and social skills to your kids, you should focus on the basics. If your children can introduce themselves, say please and thank you, and follow instructions, they will already be ahead of the game. These skills are necessary for being a good friend, classmate, student or person in general. They form the foundation for all social interactions, and it’s crucial that kids learn these early in life.

According to Dr. Wendy Rice, it is important to have playdates and teach your child to socialize early on. This can be one of the most important times for kids to learn important social skills that they will use for the rest of their lives.

When telling your children how or why to do something, like saying please and thank you, remember to be brief; children have short attention spans. Be consistent; you may need to teach a skill multiple times. Repetition is crucial. Model the skills and behaviors you want your child to emulate. Your kids always are watching you! Make sure to provide lots of practice opportunities.  

After your child masters please and thank you, introductions and following instructions, you can move on to other important skills that will help him or her grow socially. Teach disagreeing appropriately, listening and respecting differences using the same method. Don’t forget that practice really does make perfect.

Some great books to help you teach good manners are Dude That’s Rude and The Golden Rule. These books teach kids in ways that they can relate to, how to be polite.

Praise Them for Learning

Last, but certainly never least, praise your kids enthusiastically and sincerely when they use their social skills. You cheer when they make a basket or get a base hit after much practice and hard work—in the same way, praising your kids when they use good social skills builds your relationship with them and betters the odds they’ll excel socially wherever they are. Be consistent and praise often, and you will be amazed by the changes in their behavior.

Remember, it’s your job as a parent to teach your kids good manners and social skills. Humans aren’t inherently born with these skills. It is up to you to ultimately raise well-rounded and respected adults. As long as you remember to break the skills down into simple behaviors and have them practice as much possible, your children will catch on quickly and others will enjoy being around them as much as you do.

For more tips on how to teach your kids social skills, visit TBParenting.com or check out our January issue. 

by Angela Ardolino of Tampa Bay Parenting, TBParenting.com