Helping Kids Understand Divorce

By Angela Ardolino

Divorce can be one of the most stressful things a person can go through in life, and although oftentimes older kids have an easier time handling it, divorce can shake every family member up. According to a recent study, nearly 45% of marriages end in divorce, leaving quite a few kids confused and upset.

Regardless of the nature of your divorce, there are ways to help kids cope with the fact that mommy and daddy won’t be together anymore.

Tell the Truth About It

Often times this is difficult when the divorce is tumultuous, but it’s imperative to talk to your kids about it rather than let them draw their own conclusions. Dr. Hammond of Hammond Pscyhology says that kids need to be comforted and informed that even though the situation is sad or rough right now it will pass and no matter what you love them.

It may not be appropriate to share all of the details of the divorce with the kids, but having an honest talk with them will help them understand that the divorce is not their fault. They don’t need specific reasons why you are divorcing, especially when they are little, but keeping them informed will help them more easily navigate the scary terrain of divorce and will help them to feel comfortable enough ask questions they may have.

Address Changes That Will Result from Your Decision

Imagine that you are being told out of the blue that you will have to move away and see one of your parents far less. That would be pretty scary, right? So don’t do that to your kids. Divorce expert Ned Holstein advises that one of the best options is to tell your kids from the start that things may change. Explain in a way that doesn’t scare them that you may have to move, or that they may see one of the parents a little bit less but that it doesn’t mean they are any less loved or safe.

Make sure that when you are addressing the coming changes, you try to answer their questions as best as possible. It is okay to tell them if you don’t exactly know what will happen, but encourage them to remember that both parents will still be part of their life.

Break the News Together

For many families, co-parenting after divorce comes naturally. For others, not so much. But no matter which end of the spectrum you fall on, it can help kids understand more easily when they hear the news coming from both parents. Divorce expert Dr. Samantha Rodmansays that when your child feels caught in the middle, it can lead to disaster, so when you break the news show the kids that you are still both united in your commitment to parenting them.

Is is also important not to fight in front of the kids or talk negatively about the other parent to your child. In a lot of instances, things will just slip out, however it can lead the child to having more anxiety. If they hear you saying how horrible their father is, they won’t want to go see him as much which can damage their relationship. Conversely, if they hear daddy say how mean mommy is, they will go home feeling confused and angry. But, when you refrain from placing blame on each other and present a united front, your children will feel more secure and safe.

by Angela Ardolino for DaytimeTV 

Helicopter Parenting

It is a normal, natural part of parenting to want to shield your children from danger. But, sometimes shielding kids can quickly turn into hovering and before you know it, you have become a helicopter parent. What is a helicopter parent? An article by Arit John inTheAtlanticWire.com titled The New Puritan Parent describes them as people who let fear govern their parenting decisions, such as “that couple from the PTA meeting that gasped when you admitted to buying Lunchables for your kid – these moms and dads monitor everything their kids eat, watch and read.”

It seems harmless enough, but experts say that being a helicopter parent can actually cause more harm than good for your child. Not only will your child fail to take important and necessary steps toward independence, but it can lead them to have issues with anxiety and fear.

There is hope if you are a helicopter parent, however. Here are a few tips to help keep you out of “hovering” territory and lead you back to “helping” territory.

Consider Scheduling

According to Sara Bell, when parents get together, it seems like the ones who are considered the best parents are those who have their kids’ lives the most scheduled. As a result, I think some parents make decisions about what they let their kids do based on what other parents think. Yes, kids need sleep and regular meals and feeling like their lives are settled. Some routine is important and makes humans healthy and happy, but I think we as a society overdo it. Over-scheduling kids can leave them feeling anxious, worrying that they are not doing things exactly how they are supposed to.

Instead, let your kids pick what they want to do. When planning activities, hear them out if they say they want to do something a little bit more risky like football. There will always be risks for certain activities, but sometimes the risk is much lower than the reward your child will get if you are not hovering and worrying about trying to bubble wrap them.

All of this means: don’t let fear govern your child’s schedule, and don’t overschedule them just so that they will always be under your watchful eye. In some instances, kids can greatly benefit from free time with their friends.

Let Kids Learn on Their Own

Helicopter parenting is not in the best interest of kids. Kids who are always in a controlled environment may not learn to think on their feet or react in a creative way. Experts suggest that one of the best ways to remedy this is to let kids learn on their own. This isn’t to say that you should let them run wild in the street, but allowing them to do things like make their own lunch, choose their own outfits, and decide small things for themselves throughout the day can help.

A big problem of over-protective parenting that I see is it prevents kids from learning on their own. If we keep kids’ lives in this little box – if we pack their lunch for them every morning and they are always clean and have to go to bed at 7:30 every night – they may miss out on other things. It may limit their life experiences and inhibit their development of problem-solving skills. If they are never allowed to make a mistake, where’s the learning?

Get the Kids Outside

One reason we feel it is important for our kids to go to a summer camp is that it that allows them to push themselves through outdoor activities. So many children these days spend most of their time indoors, whether it is sitting in class, watching videos or playing computer games. Allowing kids to explore nature is a great way for them to learn about themselves and the world around them.

This is why it is so important for kids to spend time outdoors, starting at an early age. Kids need unstructured time to play, explore and create their own fun. They also need the opportunity to learn about the world around them under the guidance of trained outdoors professionals. At camp, kids challenge themselves through activities such as whitewater paddling, mountain biking and rock climbing, while at the same time learning a healthy respect for nature. Along the way they learn about themselves and their own abilities. They gain self-confidence as they learn to think on their feet and solve problems on their own and with other kids – without assistance from their parents.

Volunteering With Your Kids

The holidays are here and as your kids gather all of their new toys and fill their toy boxes and closets, it is also a great time to teach your kids to give back. Volunteering with the family not only helps to better the community, but also can give your kids the confidence to want to volunteer more as they get older.  

When it comes to getting your kids to help the community, it is fun to think outside of the box. Aside from collecting and donating canned goods, there are tons of ways to get the kids involved in volunteering.

Donate Clothes and Toys

Over 13 million children live in poverty, according to Toys for Tots, which means that millions of children will wake on Christmas morning with no gifts to open and very little to look forward to. One of the best ways to teach your kids how to give back is to help the other children who won’t be visited by Santa this year. Have your child go through their toys and their clothes, picking which ones they would like to give away. Sometimes, when kids are donating toys they might get upset because they just think you are taking their toys away, so have them write a letter to the person you are giving the toys to. Having them write a letter to that child will instantly give your kids a sense of what they are doing and how they are really helping someone else.

Another great way to give back with your kids is to check out an Angel Tree and have your children choose a name. They will get the age of a boy or girl and will enjoy going with you to the store to pick out a present for the child they chose from the Angel Tree. It can give them a sense of how they are helping and who they are helping if they see that little boys and girls just like them don’t have toys.

Volunteer at a Shelter

“Volunteering with your kids touches hearts, teaches important life lessons and engraves fond, lifelong memories of family bonding,” said Leigh Ann Errico, CEO and founder of Wear the Cape and the kidkind foundation. She also added that understanding and participating in activities to benefit the community is crucial to weaving one’s moral fiber.

A great way to volunteer is to give back at a local shelter, like Metropolitan Ministries. There, not only will kids get the chance to see the people they are helping, but they can do everything from participate in a clothing or toy drive to actually serving those in need.

Ask Kids How They Want to Give Back

Your kids may surprise you when it comes to giving back. Instead of telling them what to do, ask them how they think they could help someone. They might surprise you by saying something as simple as handing out bottles of water to the homeless, or they might run into their closets on their own to start picking things to give. If they aren’t sure, give them some examples and let them decide how they want to give back.

If they are able to give back in a way that makes them feel proud and way that they truly connect with, they are more likely to want to go back and volunteer again or donate again. This can lead your child to living a very happy and fulfilled life, all while bettering the community.

Another important thing to remember is that giving back should be a family affair. It is not only children that are going without this season, but teens and adults as well. Anything you can give, whether it is an old pair of jeans or canned food helps.

For more information on where or how to give back, visit TBParenting.com.

by Angela Ardolino of Tampa Bay Parenting, TBParenting.com