Helping Kids Understand Divorce

By Angela Ardolino

Divorce can be one of the most stressful things a person can go through in life, and although oftentimes older kids have an easier time handling it, divorce can shake every family member up. According to a recent study, nearly 45% of marriages end in divorce, leaving quite a few kids confused and upset.

Regardless of the nature of your divorce, there are ways to help kids cope with the fact that mommy and daddy won’t be together anymore.

Tell the Truth About It

Often times this is difficult when the divorce is tumultuous, but it’s imperative to talk to your kids about it rather than let them draw their own conclusions. Dr. Hammond of Hammond Pscyhology says that kids need to be comforted and informed that even though the situation is sad or rough right now it will pass and no matter what you love them.

It may not be appropriate to share all of the details of the divorce with the kids, but having an honest talk with them will help them understand that the divorce is not their fault. They don’t need specific reasons why you are divorcing, especially when they are little, but keeping them informed will help them more easily navigate the scary terrain of divorce and will help them to feel comfortable enough ask questions they may have.

Address Changes That Will Result from Your Decision

Imagine that you are being told out of the blue that you will have to move away and see one of your parents far less. That would be pretty scary, right? So don’t do that to your kids. Divorce expert Ned Holstein advises that one of the best options is to tell your kids from the start that things may change. Explain in a way that doesn’t scare them that you may have to move, or that they may see one of the parents a little bit less but that it doesn’t mean they are any less loved or safe.

Make sure that when you are addressing the coming changes, you try to answer their questions as best as possible. It is okay to tell them if you don’t exactly know what will happen, but encourage them to remember that both parents will still be part of their life.

Break the News Together

For many families, co-parenting after divorce comes naturally. For others, not so much. But no matter which end of the spectrum you fall on, it can help kids understand more easily when they hear the news coming from both parents. Divorce expert Dr. Samantha Rodmansays that when your child feels caught in the middle, it can lead to disaster, so when you break the news show the kids that you are still both united in your commitment to parenting them.

Is is also important not to fight in front of the kids or talk negatively about the other parent to your child. In a lot of instances, things will just slip out, however it can lead the child to having more anxiety. If they hear you saying how horrible their father is, they won’t want to go see him as much which can damage their relationship. Conversely, if they hear daddy say how mean mommy is, they will go home feeling confused and angry. But, when you refrain from placing blame on each other and present a united front, your children will feel more secure and safe.

by Angela Ardolino for DaytimeTV 

Talking to your kids about tragic events

It can be difficult to watch a news broadcast without hearing bad news, especially with recent events. Whether you are trying to stay informed on international matters or just trying to catch up on celebrity gossip, your kids are curious about what they are hearing on the news. Trying to explain the intricacies of war, natural disasters, or even a celebrity scandal can be increasingly difficult– especially if your child is younger.

So how can we make the news an educational experience for our kids, instead of something scarring and traumatic for life?

Before you explain it, think of how it is perceived 
The most important thing to remember when exposing your kids to the news, is that children perceive things much differently than an adult, according to KidsHealth.org. A news report about something like a school shooting or a bombing, for example, can make them fear that it will happen to them and it can cause severe anxiety. They also may be afraid of things as simple as a thunderstorm by watching the news– especially when newscasters use terms like “deadly” and “severe”.

Take a step back when viewing the news, and think of how your child might perceive it. Try to find news programs that do not use sensationalized, loud, or particular disturbing images. You might want to check out a news website and watch it alone at a later time, or watch short clips of reports to decide if that it a channel worth bringing into your living room. Sometimes, there is no way to sugar-coat or dull the news down, but trying to find the right TV news station that doesn’t make every single story completely terrifying can help. You can also encourage your kids to read the newspaper, which you can easily monitor before they see it.

Break it down into simpler terms and be proactive
It is important to keep your kids informed on what is going on with the news, but you should also try to explain it to them in terms that they can understand, according to KidsHealth.org. Ask your kids what they think about current events, how it makes them feel, and what they think the people involved should do.

Ask them what they can do to help as well. Sometimes, especially in a traumatic event or a natural disaster, it can be easy to feel powerless and small, which will cause your child to have more fear. By helping your child find some way to help, no matter how small, you are empowering them against fear. Be open to their questions as well and don’t be afraid to tell them your opinion of a news story.

It is also important to teach your child the context of a news story. Is this an isolated incident being reported? Something more regular? What are the chances that your child will ever encounter what they are discussing on the report? Your kids should be informed, but they should also learn to use the news as a reference point for the world around them. If they don’t understand a report’s context, they may think that tragedies happen every day to every person and that is not realistic.

Filter what types of media they consume
KidsHealth.org suggests that you watch TV news with your kids so that you can filter it, and then turn it off once you have seen the report. Discourage your kids from watching the same report over and over. If you want to follow a story, perhaps you would like to keep up with breaking news during a tragedy for example, consider downloading an app on your phone or visiting a news website so that your child is not constantly exposed to it.

The Anxiety and Depression Association of America suggests letting your child know that it is okay to be upset or even angry after a traumatic event in the news, but to field how much information your kids are taking in. You should also assure your kids that you will do everything you can to keep them and the rest of your family safe.

Another thing you can do to help your kids stay informed without staying afraid or confused, is to encourage them to consider their news sources as they grow older. KidsHealth.org suggests that you teach your kids to consider why something is newsworthy or why it is on the air. For example, was a segment on the air just to boost ratings, or is it something that will actually have an effect on their lives? When a teen or child understands the mission of the news, they can more accurately choose a good news source and can feel in control of what they are exposing themselves. This is a good thing for parents to consider as well– is the news source you are watching just trying to boost ratings, or are they trying to keep you informed and safe?

Beware of overplaying the news. Especially in matters of extreme tragedy, like a school shooting for example, we can be tempted as adults to be sucked into what is called the “24 hour news cycle”. When we watch these news stories over and over, it can instill fear in kids and cause them to become a little obsessed and afraid of the tragedy, making them think that it will happen to them.

It is true that knowledge is power, and the news can be a powerful and highly useful tool for teaching your kids about the world around them. With open communication, the right news sources, and a little monitoring, having a news informed child can be a great thing!

If your kids or teens want to find ways to get involved after local events or tragedies, visit The Children’s Board online.

Volunteering With Your Kids

The holidays are here and as your kids gather all of their new toys and fill their toy boxes and closets, it is also a great time to teach your kids to give back. Volunteering with the family not only helps to better the community, but also can give your kids the confidence to want to volunteer more as they get older.  

When it comes to getting your kids to help the community, it is fun to think outside of the box. Aside from collecting and donating canned goods, there are tons of ways to get the kids involved in volunteering.

Donate Clothes and Toys

Over 13 million children live in poverty, according to Toys for Tots, which means that millions of children will wake on Christmas morning with no gifts to open and very little to look forward to. One of the best ways to teach your kids how to give back is to help the other children who won’t be visited by Santa this year. Have your child go through their toys and their clothes, picking which ones they would like to give away. Sometimes, when kids are donating toys they might get upset because they just think you are taking their toys away, so have them write a letter to the person you are giving the toys to. Having them write a letter to that child will instantly give your kids a sense of what they are doing and how they are really helping someone else.

Another great way to give back with your kids is to check out an Angel Tree and have your children choose a name. They will get the age of a boy or girl and will enjoy going with you to the store to pick out a present for the child they chose from the Angel Tree. It can give them a sense of how they are helping and who they are helping if they see that little boys and girls just like them don’t have toys.

Volunteer at a Shelter

“Volunteering with your kids touches hearts, teaches important life lessons and engraves fond, lifelong memories of family bonding,” said Leigh Ann Errico, CEO and founder of Wear the Cape and the kidkind foundation. She also added that understanding and participating in activities to benefit the community is crucial to weaving one’s moral fiber.

A great way to volunteer is to give back at a local shelter, like Metropolitan Ministries. There, not only will kids get the chance to see the people they are helping, but they can do everything from participate in a clothing or toy drive to actually serving those in need.

Ask Kids How They Want to Give Back

Your kids may surprise you when it comes to giving back. Instead of telling them what to do, ask them how they think they could help someone. They might surprise you by saying something as simple as handing out bottles of water to the homeless, or they might run into their closets on their own to start picking things to give. If they aren’t sure, give them some examples and let them decide how they want to give back.

If they are able to give back in a way that makes them feel proud and way that they truly connect with, they are more likely to want to go back and volunteer again or donate again. This can lead your child to living a very happy and fulfilled life, all while bettering the community.

Another important thing to remember is that giving back should be a family affair. It is not only children that are going without this season, but teens and adults as well. Anything you can give, whether it is an old pair of jeans or canned food helps.

For more information on where or how to give back, visit TBParenting.com.

by Angela Ardolino of Tampa Bay Parenting, TBParenting.com